Have you ever had a crisis of faith?

. . .
A crisis of life?

I’m wandering on the edge of something.
Not a life crisis. . . Just a whole . . . World of crises even tho I’m not really having a crisis.

I think I need antidepressants.
Can you believe I’m posting this crap online?

Four years ago I went through something (or more like witnessed something) that’s changed me. Probably forever.
I don’t know if it was for the better or for the worse. But it happened. And it seems like it’s still looming over my head like a dark cloud, and has been for four years now.

For two of those years, I was going through an extremely crazy-ass weird phase. I was doing stuff that wasn’t me, I wasn’t sleeping at all, I gave up on a lot of stuff I loved.
It was awful. Every morning was stormy and gray. It literally made me physically ill Every. Day.
I couldn’t even cry. Which was weird.
I never told anyone that.
No one.
The only person who really knew was He Who Shall Not Be Named (God? If He was paying attention. At the time I didn’t think He was. Sometimes I still wonder about that Dude…).
I would go to bed Every. Single. Night. And just wonder … WHY?!
Why is the world full of rapists?
Why are babies dying?
Why this why that whywhywhy? (check out the band WHY? They freaking kill it.)

Then one night I was lying in my bed. And I just heard a voice in my head.
It was an angry teen girl.
And she was talking about her mom. Her dead mother. And the boy who doesn’t love her anymore. She was so sad, and so confused, and she didn’t know why either.

The voice came in my head for weeks. Me finding out more and more about this girl.
I should have known what it was but I pushed it away.
But it didn’t go away.
Then I realized …..
I need to write this girl’s grief down on a page. She needs to get out if my head and live!

After a year and a half of her trying to get out of my head, she’s gone.

And now that she’s gone, I feel sad again.
Isn’t that weird?
I guess what I’m trying to say is…. Writing somehow… made me happy. Writing makes me happy.
And I haven’t written in over a month. And I’m down in the dumps again.
Which means the writing drug has to come back!!

To finish this long ass post off….
Writing can help you in more ways than you think.

Over.
And.
Out.

8 Comments

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8 responses to “Have you ever had a crisis of faith?

  1. I think artists get to be sad once and a while. I’m sorry you’re sad. I hope you’ll be happy again someday soon.

  2. Someone said last week that if you don’t ever have existential crises, you aren’t thinking enough. So at least you’re thinking. Made me feel better anyway.

    I think all thinking people have crises of faith. And we all make it through somehow. But it’s not pleasant and never, ever (in my experience) short enough. :)

    Community strength helps some. You have it here.

    Praying for you.

  3. I believe writing really healed me too (though it introduced a whole new set of challenges and exposed many new weaknesses). Keep writing! Creating is the best medicine.

  4. Juliette

    I suffered for depression for years and years and years and I’m finally happy now. So I get a lot of what you’re feeling. I’m also very sensitive to the awful things around me. Writing and painting are sooooo therapeutic for me! That, and music and food and cruises. Anyway, thankfully we have the good stuff to make this tough world more bearable to live in. Hang in there! In the meantime, keep writing–it does you good.

  5. Cheryl

    Kyra, you are way ahead of the game. You have made the important discovery early on instead of going through YEARS of stuff. You’ve said it out loud. Writing things down processes – and you are processing. Not only that, you are making the journey through the tough places. Few people have that added understanding inside them. You do. You get it. How to plow onward when you don’t feel a single thing. What most people don’t realize when they are going through this stuff is how much bravery it takes to get through the day. Right now, you are brave even if you don’t feel it. Just posting this was brave. You deserve a parade.
    Without bringing God into it too much, just know He’s there when you can’t feel Him. Some people will say he gives us this test as if He sits around on his front porch sipping lemonade and trying to figure out ways to wreck our lives. I’m not of that opinion. My experience suggests otherwise. He says life’s going to happen to Kyra today – what can I do to soften that blow? Who can I send to guide her footsteps or just be there to make her smile through the gray. Tell Him how mad you are. He won’t mind.
    Seek the help of others. Be around those who truly love you. Laugh. Notice the birds that sing when they don’t know if anyone will hear. One day you will be a guide for those going through stuff and you’ll be able to lift them.
    You have more faith than you think.

  6. Martine

    It makes me sad, too, brilliant Carol.
    A friend told me once with great love that I was insane.
    I told her that might be true, but God helped me make something beautiful out of my insanity.
    That’s what you do. Only someone who goes through what you do can hear the sorrow in the world and give voice to it.
    Thank you for being willing to strip yourself bare in front of the whole world. That’s why you’re so great.

  7. Andrea

    Kyra, I think you’re so brave to admit things like this aloud, and I agree with Cheryl that you’re way ahead of the game. You’re going to figure things out, and someday you’ll be able to lift others who are going through what you’ve gone through. You already do lift all of us!

    Isn’t it so great that we have our creative outlet to help us get through tough times? Writing can be scary sometimes, and it can put us in such a vulnerable spot, but it’s so healing too.

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