Daily Archives: May 23, 2011

Don’t be alarmed.

that’s funny.

I went to the midwife/dr. today too because of a small problem and I was so tired that as soon as the nurse asked if I was okay I started to cry.

I hate when I do that. And then I can’t stop and my baby was crying because I had to hurry over there and didn’t get time to nurse him so he was hungry and crying hard and I was crying and they were all very careful with me.

The midwife wrote me a prescription then made me fill out the depression worksheet. I told her I was fine, as snot ran into my mouth.

She gave me a side hug and said, I know. We do this for everyone.

I wonder how many women go in there and start crying. I hope a lot. I hope it’s normal.

Those questions are interesting to answer.

How do I feel?

Overall? In relation to this very minute vs. this week or this month or this year?

I don’t know that I’m completely honest on those questionnaires. Or, maybe, I don’t know how to be honest on those things because I have a hard time gauging what is really happening with me and why am I crying and I’m just tired and I have a fever but I’m usually happy. Just yesterday i was laughing my face off and me and the boys threw those one helicopter leaves in the air and I tried to do a trick on the rope swing. That’s happy, right? Like all american happy. and we have a garden and I ate lots of gummy candy and my baby is the sweetest and

and

I’m happy.

but then I couldn’t stop crying.

On the way home, I saw two teenage girls lying on the grass with their bikes eating sno cones.

I thought, what if that was me, right now. just ride around on a bike. Go home. Take a nap if I want. Eat whatever. Call my friends. wear good clothes that fit.

Life was so easy back when i was a teenager.

Then I started laughing because no, life was not easy back then. I sort of wish I could go back and tell myself that I was pretty enough. That boys would like me eventually. That big butts were okay. That getting a bad grade was not the end of the world.

Just like I guess I’ll want to come back and tell myself a few things about having a little baby and two crazy kids  when I’m older and oh so wiser.

Why does it always feel like wading through mud? But then it doesn’t. But then it does.

And blogging.

Writing feels like the last thing on my mind. I force myself to get a page or two out but I wonder if they are good pages. Maybe they are but maybe they aren’t.

I can’t tell. Just like I can’t tell a lot of things.

I am happy. But I have been questioning my choices and my heart and my time.

I don’t really write about writing that much anyway when I think about it. Maybe a different blog or something else would be good. Or maybe not? I don’t know.

I want to write a happy book. i also want to sit on a beach.

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To Blog or Not to Blog

So I’ve been thinking about starting a new blog. One that talks about being here in this relatively new place in my life, having this new home, watching the changes of my family as it shrinks and grows, almost like breathing.

This wouldn’t be a writing blog at all (I don’t think) but more of a living blog. Why not? I’m to the point right now where writing is more of a chore. I know the reason. I’m way overworked. If it hadn’t been for daughters’ boyfriends we would have NEVER gotten moved. I was so exhausted I felt too tired to cry. Couple that with moving in my mom, trying to unpack, wondering if the place we rented before would be honest and give our deposit back (I’m guessing that will be a big no since they kept the last tenant’s money), the conference and this tough rewrite and a million more things–some of them pretty darn pricey in the energy and heart area–and, well, there’s been little creative energy. For me, rewrites include creativity. Especially this one.

How can I think of a new blog? I forgot about posting to the old blog–this one–my favorite one–and I started writing this last night. You know what? I need one more thing to do. One more stress.

And yet the idea of a journal of what’s going on now seems so. . . compelling. Like when I’m nearly done with one book and another starts calling to me to write it. That’s happening now. I’m so close–so close to being done with the DD and what? There’s this other idea–two of them–one scary, one funny–calling me to get going and start the new projects.

Biggest advice of the day–do NOT go toward the sexier idea until the old one is spent, used up and completely done. Otherwise you will NEVER finish the book you’re on.

Best part of my new blog idea? I want Ann Dee to write it with me. Because I want her to help me talk of changes and ideas and etc.

Question to all you readers: Can you get away with writing a three-days-a-week blog? Or do you have to write daily?

Ann Dee–don’t answer now. Let me talk to you in person. Over lunch or something. Let me tell you my idea for the new blog. Plus also, guess what? I know I’m not done with the DD, but you and me, we need to write a fun series together. Middle grade. Or younger YA. Funny. And etc. What do you think? Hmmm? And how is my baby namesake? His fairy godmother wishes she could twinkle (not tinkle) on over there and visit. But I have to go to the docs. Yes, two of them.

So there.

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