Daily Archives: August 1, 2011

That Wasn’t What I Expected

When I talk to my bestie Cheri Praying Girl Earl, I sometimes tell her about my childhood being one of complete surprise. And not the happy kind, either. This was the kind where my eyebrows were raised, my mouth a small ‘o’ and my hands were up in a “Well, I didn’t expect that,” kind of gesture.

That’s how life has been for me. Mostly not so happy.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I’m here. And I’ve been one of those lucky people who’s been able to do what she wants.

But, I continue to be surprised. Startled. I still have that look on my face. My hands, however, are down at my sides.

For example–
I didn’t know how hard it was going to be to get divorced or how hard it would be to make ends meet–simply because taxes take so much.
I didn’t realize adult diapers could smell so bad.
I never realized I could feel so sad about the arguments my girls have.
I can’t handle the way people treat their children.
I don’t see why the Bachelorette let Ames go, or that other really nice guy. Don’t get me wrong, I still like JP, but . . . Those two were so hurt. I actually cried for one when he left.
I don’t understand why door-to-door sales people try to show up at 10 to 8. In the morning. Yes, this just happened.
Or how Activia works or why this rewrite is so hard or why my books don’t sell.
It’s all just a surprise.

Sure, lots of this winds up in books in some way–the transfer of emotion or a bit of product placement. But sometimes there feels like there’s too much extra that’s not quite paying off.

I’ve never been an optimist.
And the truth is, both Ann Dee and I have struggled a little with this blog. We’re not sure how to get more readers. Or how to get posts of the writing exercises. Or if the blog is even worthwhile.

This next little bit of time is an experiment. If readership doesn’t go up, well, I’m not so sure I can keep doing doing this.
Yes, there’s the vain part of me that loves to hear back from the four or five faithful people, my friends, who believe in Ann Dee and me.
But for me, the blog feels like a reflection of other things.
And I’m not sure how much more of those I can handle.

Please understand–I don’t need any surprise visits or pick-me-up presents. I don’t expect you to call or email.
I’m just down. And I’ve gotten down about the same time Ann Dee has.

So, here’s what going to happen. Ann Dee and I are going to work hard for this next month and then into September (if I can make it that far). And if things haven’t changed, we’re going to say goodbye.

And I am going to keep rewriting this book.
And maybe even take a nap.
And vacuum those giant diapers up and directly outside with a mega vacuum invention I come up with.

So there.


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