JK, Laurie, Steve
John said no and all we got
Christopher E. CroweAs a pinch hitter, Christopher Crowe (not the famous Chris Crutcher) has stepped in to make this blog rock. We expect that we will get between one and 1,000,000 new readers PER DAY because of him. He writes poetry, he sings at WIFYR sometimes, and he loves to help people by reading their manuscripts. Chris really likes beginning novels that are super long. Welcome, Chris. Ann Dee, Kyra and I are so happy you’re going to be a part of this blog. We hope we don’t run you off the way we did Ally. P.S. Hilary Lemon is the first Chris Crowe + Haiku winner!
“Puking Up Verbs”by the all inclusive and infamous Chris Crowe
Novelists are liars.
There’s no other way to put it. Take Carol Lunch Williams, for example. Last week I was sitting in my office, happily minding my own business and daydreaming a little about the novel I should’ve been working on. Then my intense concentration was shattered when my computer started pinging like submarine sonar in a heavily-mined irrigation canal. I got not one, but dozens of emails from a person named Carol:
ATTN:THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT A MAN CALLED MR.. JOHN WHEELER FROM USA CAME TO OUR OFFICE TODAY CLAIMING TO BE FROM YOU, STATING THAT YOU ARE DEAD BUT BEFORE YOUR DEATH YOU MADE HIM YOUR REPRESENTATIVE TO CLAIM YOUR FUND, NOW HERE COMES THE BIG QUESTION, DID YOU SIGN ANY DEED OF ASSIGNMENT IN FAVOR OF MR. JOHN WHEELER THEREBY MAKING HIM THE CURRENT BENEFICIARY WITH HIS FOLLOWING ACCOUNT DETAILS: MR JOHN WHEELER, AC/NUMBER: 6503809428. ROUTING/122006743, B/NAME: CITI BANK, ADDRESS: NEW YORK, USA.WE SHALL PROCEED TO ISSUE ALL PAYMENT DETAILS TO THE SAID JOHN WHEELER, IF WE DO NOT HEAR FROM YOU WITHIN THE NEXT TWO WORKING DAYS FROM TODAY.THANKS CHAIRMAN,DIAMOND BANK FINANCIAL INSTITUTE OF NIGERIA .URGENT RESPOND NEEDED TODAY NFAILINGLY.MRS CAROL EL SMAILLIW.
Before I’m through reading this one, another one pings in:
FROM: carollw@wahoo!.com Are you tired of men paying more attention to women with larger, perkier breasts? Do you want to feel better about yourself and have all those eyes on you at the next party? Click Here to be matched with the top plastic surgeons in your area! Don’t let yourself fall behind those other ladies. Whether you want to attract more menor surprise the one you already have, breast augmentation surgery will leave you feeling better about yourself and raise your confidence to levels you never thought possible. Maybe you’ve been thinking about breast augmentation for some time, but felt you could never afford it. Many of our surgeons offer special promotions and excellent financing options are available. We will find the best surgeon for your needs, from breast implants to a simple lift. So why wait any longer than you already have? Sign Up Now to make a better, happier you today!
And then this one:
Dear Beneficiary, your overdue fund has been approved for immediate payment by the federal government of Iran. Please contact me with your phone, fax numbers and any other important information for onward transaction. Regards, Carol Lynchwilli - First Bank Iran Plc
And finally this one:
FROM: CAROLLE me and my best girlfriend were online late last night checking out your profile and you seemed interesting and handsome and very smart!!!! wanna share a blog with me and ann dee? We call it “puking up verbs”!!! isn’t that totally a laugh!!!? if you are even a little bit interested, she and i wanna to talk to you and we can send you lots embarrassing wild pics of us, lol!!!! it's not hard!!!! it'll be fun and maybe you'll get famouser!!!! and we can pay you lots of money because we both have more money than good sense, lol!!!! so if you wanna blog with us just send me an im with your bank account and social security numbers. we’re gonna have crazy fun, lol!!!!
Now, I normally don’t allow anything to disrupt my writing routine, but I felt like I was at a good stopping point, so I responded to all the emails that this Carol had fired at me.
And guess what?
Every one of those messages was totally bogus! Believe it or not, Diamond Bank Financial Institute of Nigeria doesn’t even exist! And instead of taking me to the best plastic surgeons in my area, the link to the breast enhancement website took me to some totally weird stuff. The First Bank of Iran didn’t have any payment for me, and even after searching the internet for three hours straight, I never did find a blog named “puking up verbs.”
So I do some more internet research, and I find out that there’s this famous novelist named Carol Lunch Williams and she blogs with another famous novelist guy named Andy Ellis and somehow they found my email and decided to prank me, or punk me, spam me, or whatever it’s called. And now I’m on my way to the small claims court to force these two liars/novelists to pay me for all of my valuable time they wasted.
If you get an email from either one of them, or if you ever see their blog, don’t ever forget that both of them are liars. They’re big time, smarmy liars, so don’t believe a word they say about anything. Ever. Honest!