Carolwhoissofarbehindshecanseeherownbutt

That’s how I sign off sometimes.
I think I’m always behind and I have fallen behind in NaNoWriMo, but not so far that I can’t catch up. I’m excited to write this week.
I wrote nearly every day last week plus a few thousand words on Saturday. I was racing with the Cheri Pearly Early.
SHE is writing a fantastic novel. And yes, I hate her for it.

Lately, well ever since computer SPAM, I’ve been getting some interesting crap in my email. Mostly the filters catch things.
But sometimes they don’t.
I thought I’d share a few.
See how they tie in with NaNoWriMo.

Lisa Hale, who teaches at BYU, says that you have to get your main character up a tree and throw rocks at her to help your plot along. As I started to fall behind I knew it was because I was not sure what should happen to my main character, Elliot (a girl named after one of Rick’s assistants). Elliot, Kayleb and Spencer are sisters. Their father wanted all boys and got all girls. Well, why not use my SPAM as inspiration, huh? Here are a few suggestions that might help my book–no, that WILL help my book– toward completion.

(Check mark that I can’t remember how to make with my computer keys)–SOMEONE must be searching for you–This is actually what Elliot and her sisters are doing. Searching for their father who has abandoned them. So now the tables are turned. After finding three notes, Elliot realizes that someone is searching for her. Who is it? And in the end, will he kill her, and the rest of the family, in a brutal way?

NEVER SHAVE AGAIN–WHY ARE YOU STILL SHAVING?— This is EXACTLY what Elliot has been wondering since she hit puberty. Hair everywhere. She orders the hair removal product and once she applies it to her body, well, now she’s in real trouble.

Yes, it true, you need a hot tub. We can take care of that.–Sure, Elliot and her sisters are in the steaming hot state of FL, but when she reads this ad, she knows it’s true, they NEED a hot tub and look! there’s someone here who can help her with that. When the hot tub arrives, Elliot realizes that all three of the girls has shrunk to the size of almonds. Now what?

Penis Growth Sample–attract the RIGHT girls with wonder pills.— Their father–the only person in the house who had a penis, left a couple years back. Now Elliot has found some pills, WONDER pills. She goes in the backyard, plants them, waters them, does a little dance around them and in the morning–well, there’s something growing out there and all the male neighbors are admiring it.

DID YOU CONTACT REV.AS I ADVISED? Elliot has, indeed, contacted Rev.As she was advised. Now Rev. is at the door. She heard him/her, coming up the walk, dragging something behind him/her. Elliot has a steak in one hand and a stake in the other. Now what?

Penis Growth Sample–Girls strip for camera. As if what’s growing in the backyard isn’t enough, well, now the stripping girls, with camera, are stopping by. What will the neighbors say? And what about Brandon, the boy Elliot thinks is so cute and nice? Will the stripping girls bother him? Adventure lies ahead in this peaceful southern community.

I WILL WAIT FOR YOUR RESPOND–Elliot has been fearing this very thing. The person waiting. Waiting for her. And for her sisters. And her mother who sits in the computer room all day long at the computer. The postman always rings twice, right? Well, ‘I’ has rung three times and is now waiting for a respond. Elliot is terrified. What will she do?

eHarmony–You Could Find Singles Like You–Here’s the truth. Elliot is beginning to wonder if one of her is too much when someone just like her arrives from eHarmony. A clone? A holographic image? A lost identical twin sister? What is going on in this little neighborhood in Orlando?

Machine washable bra that bounces right back to its shape–Elliot, just thirteen, knows the importance of a bra like this–possible weapon, controversial topic of discussion, double dinner plate to feed the rabbits? She must get one (or more). But how?

Dirty Truth You Must Know About Penis Enlargement— This, of course, is the central conflict of this novel I’m writing. Once I figure this truth out–then I will be able to end the novel, tying everything up neatly (no pun intended) with a pretty pink bow.

Think looking at your SPAM will help you? As you can see, it has definitely helped me.

Now I have some writing to do, thanks to all my inspiration.

PS Is there a way to log in my words for NaNoWriMo?
PMS FYI–I’m thinking of offering online writing classes.
PISS Good luck with your own writing, NaNo or not!

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “Carolwhoissofarbehindshecanseeherownbutt

  1. OMG, Carol! I am, of course, amazed by your brilliance and ability to see beyond what the rest of us view as spam. The golden nuggets you’ve pulled from the sewage stream are beyond spectacular and I’m dazzled at how neatly they all fit in so tightly with your story. I must now consult my own junk folder AND I PRAY FOR MORE that I might too be inspired by emails that address me as chap and ask about my sausage.

    • Believe me, I had to make myself stop giving you all the great ideas in my spam folder.

      I’m glad you thought they were golden nuggets. I think, maybe, I offended a few people.

  2. I don’t know that a single post has ever made my day the way this one did. Brilliance, I tell you, sheer brilliance!

  3. Are you signed up for NaNoWriMo on nanowrimo.org? They have a counter that you can update several times a day that will keep track of your stats on a graph and whatnot. You can also compare your word count to your friends! Keeps you honest and motivated. πŸ™‚

  4. I’m confused about the penises (wow, I just typed that word), but I think it’s a great idea to get inspiration from spam.

    Also, if you offered online classes I might (might) consider taking one. My only hesitation is someone telling me to do something I might not want to do. You know, like writing exercises that might be good for me.

    I have some nano catching up to do myself. Back to writing.

  5. Elizabeth Dimit

    Ha, ha! Brilliance!

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