Andy ordered me to be the judge of the paranormal haiku that one of this blog’s two readers may write this week. In case you’re reading, let me clarify what “paranormal haiku” are.
Paranormal defined: literally, “two normals.” Rarely confused with ‘fewanormal,’ which refers to three or four normals. When Ann Dee and Carol Lunch Williams are together, you definitely do not have a paranormals. Informally, ‘couplanormals’ is sometimes substituted for ‘paranormal,’ but its use is still considered nonstandard. The prefix of this term, ‘para’ comes from the Greek, meaning “two” or “one more than one.” ‘Normal’ is a city in Illinois (here’s their website) and is the capital of Weird County and the twin-city of Abnormal, Illinois. The city of Normal derives its name from a hero in Roman mythology, Norman Medusaminster, who is considered the father of modern psychiatry.
Haiku defined: though misunderstood by many to be a traditional form of Japanese poetry, haiku is actually an American verse form developed by students at University of Kansas in the 1960s. After a big basketball victory in Pfog Allen Fieldhouse on the KU campus, a literary group of long-hairs met to celebrate the big win by smoking a brick of maryjane. While they were floating in their sweet and smoky whiter shade of pale, they began composing short poems to capture their enlightened states of euphoria after the big win. After several attempts at naming their new verse, they settled on ‘High KU,’ which, in their stoned condition, they misspelled as ‘haiku.’ The spelling stuck.
Paranormal haiku defined: two short poems celebrating the heroic deeds of Norman Medusaminster written in the precise form of the traditional High KU.
Of course, not everyone has my refined and sophisticated understanding of poetry, and their ignorance of the English language and of serious poetry perpetuates the misunderstanding of haiku in general and paranormal haiku in particular. Two notable perversions of paranormal haiku are quite prominent in American pop culture these days: Spam haiku, sometimes also known as ‘spamku,’ and Zombie haiku (don’t miss the accompanying video), but, as I have already established, these are amateurish perversions of true, literary paranormal haiku.
One other thing to remember about your submission, an important detail that Andy forgot to mention. Because I bring so much prestige to the competition by serving as judge, there is an entry fee of $75 per syllable for each poem you enter. That, and the $5 paranormal haiku handling charge. So be sure to include 5 brand new $20 bills with your submission is you want it to be taken seriously. Include only 4 brand new $20 bills if you want your submission to be taken.
Good luck, and may the best writer include the proper entrance fees!