In the middle of the night I was awakened by Kyra calling. I missed the call and panicked. Had something happened to another daughter? What was going on?
It turns out everything was okay. She was home from a date and wanted to sleep over so she didn’t have to drive far to get home.
But I set myself up for another terrible night of pain.
These are happening more and more.
The bad dreams.
The fear.
The anxiety.
The sadness.
Waking up over and over. And over.
Wanting to cry, but not being able to.
And the worst part of all–not writing.
I’m not writing.
(If I force myself to write, will I feel better?)
Why do I feel so awful right now?
Is it the lack of sunshine?
Is it what’s going on at home?
Is it my job?
The lack of money?
The worry?
And I too tired?
I’m not sure.
But this week, I will try again.
To write.
Stay home and not go out except to work and help my mom and spend time with my children (if they visit) and maybe, maybe, maybe write.
Throwing Up Words 
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I have times like that too, and I definitely feel better when I force myself to write. I hope you feel better soon!
Thank you, Kim. Love you.
Sounds like too much on your plate. Dump whatever you can off into the garbage! Set it out with the trash! Take a DEEP breath. And then another. Turn on one of those — what are they? UV lights? — use that as your light while you write something that’s ALSO light. A humorous scene in a book you’re writing. Or a funny short-short story. Then relax and say “I did my day’s work. It’s OK to lie down. To sleep. To jump on a trampoline (or, if you don’t have one) jump on the bed.” And know you are WELL loved by mother, daughter, writers, readers, friends . . . that includes ANYONE who is lucky enough to meet you!
You are so kind, Brenda. And I believe you are right with these things. Thanks.
I am so sorry. Here are a couple of suggestions that make no sense but seem to work anyway.
1. Write it out. Use your whiny voice. It seems to work better if you write it out longhand. This is not going to be published. Write why your life is more crummy than anyone else. Tell why you deserve to feel better and have confidence and love. Be flattering to yourself and let it “all hang out,” so to speak. Write fast and for a long time. I don’t know why this helps but it does. I once wrote about my daughter and she read it. The look on her face was the worst I’ve ever seen. It didn’t change her but I let her know she had read something private and that she shouldn’t have read it. Keep it safe as you don’t want your loved ones to know how they have hurt you.
2. This thing is odd but it works for me: 9. When upset or stressed go into the bathroom and lock the door. Flail your arms and legs, move your whole body. For some reason this relieves some of the tension and you will feel better. One night, I had a miserable time trying to sleep, I was dealing with the problem of not liking a teenage child’s behavior. I had been crying in my sleep. When I woke up I was depressed and discouraged. My body made one of those involuntary shuddering inhalations and I immediately felt a bit better. I tried it again, this time on purpose, again I felt better. There is something about the “shudder” that relieves tension, depression and stress. Shudder, flail, move your arms and legs and your whole body. You’ll feel better.
I will send you my whole list in an email. It’s disjointed and unorganized, sometimes I didn’t even finish a sentence. If you have someone you trust, call them and ask if you can just complain. Troubles shared are troubles divided.
I know it won’t help to tell you what a wonderful human being you are. But, you are. I don’t know why you have to live life with problems while others seem to sail through, unscathed. I also know that you are loved by so many people, Carol.
Amazing people have to slog through tough trials so they can show themselves that they are valuable and worth fighting for. Heavenly Father already knows that so it’s really just for them to prove to themselves who they are and what they are worth.
Well, this made me weepy. 😛
*hug*
We’re here for you!
Thank you. Kisses.
I am going to come to your house.
Love you.
I love you. And I completely understand.
I love you, too, Lee.
I wonder if you might project this sense of what your feeling into a character and then see what adventures come her/his way. Then again, maybe you just need to go on a little quest of your own? You’re the best.
I’m sorry. Carol. Know that you are loved and admired. I think you have more strength than you know even in despairing times and you can push back like Camus. “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.” I think that “something” is your indomitable eternal spirit.
This is absolutely beautiful, Karen. Thank you.
Hi, I’m Maney.
Let me just say that I love and value you as a human. I feel like I know you because your book “My Angelica” has been my ultimate favorite book for years. I’m LDS and I suffer with depression as well. Let me give you three of my blog posts on finding hope in the black, barren landscape of depression. You don’t need to read them or even respond to this, but I hope they help.
1. https://maneysmilesback.wordpress.com/2014/10/06/on-being-loved/
2. https://maneysmilesback.wordpress.com/2014/08/20/i-will-rise/
3. https://maneysmilesback.wordpress.com/2014/09/22/he-makes-fish-less-dead/
You are important. You have made my life better. And I know that Jesus Christ loves you and is close to you, loving you with His eternal, perfect love.
Maney, thank you for these kind words. This is a sweet response. I will for sure check out your comments.
So many wonderful things have already been said, that I don’t think I could say it better. But I do love you so much, Carol. Keep writing, keep talking, keep loving. Always here for you 🙂