Gut

Today, as I take another bite of chocolate covered cinnamon bears, I feel myself physically get fatter. Like the adipose tissue in my stomach globbing and growing and I wonder, does a body get tired?

Are you tired of all the sugar and the sadness? Is it fair to heap everything, my worries and my stresses and my disappointments and even my joys on one helpless frame of bones and tissue and blood and organs, one body that works and works and works to keep me going.

We went to Yellowstone Park last weekend. I told Cam to be prepared.

Prepared for what?

I’m probably going to be discovered for a movie.

He looked at me. What are you talking about?

One time I heard Winona Ryder walked into a cafe where a movie casting director happened to be eating french fries and when he saw her, he knew it. He just knew she was going to be a star. He talked her into being in a little film called Lucas (which I love, P.S.) and the rest is history (I just googled Winona and it turns out that that the story isn’t true which is a little devastating because I feel like my daydreams for the past thirty years have been based on this legend).

I tell Cam that probably at the Old Faithful Lodge, probably while I’m holding my baby and trying to calm down my two year old and my bum is hanging out of my mom jeans and my bangs that were supposed to be cool and ironic but which most of the time look puffy and eighties, my bangs are at their worst, probably right then, a famous director will see me, he’ll see through the exhaustion and the wrinkles and the belly and the screaming children and he’ll say: Excuse me.

And I’ll say: Me?

Yes, he’ll say, You. I can’t help but notice you’re different.

Me?

Yes, you. You. There’s something about you.

He’ll study me. I’ll blush. The babies will keep screaming but no matter.

Have you been in films? He’ll ask.

Why, no. I haven’t.

He nods. That’s what it is. It’s rawness. It’s real gut. You’re what I’ve been looking for.

And then he’ll tell me he’s got a project going in two locations Toronto and Rome with a final scene in Hawaii–blast the budget he needs that shot! An independent film and he’d love to fly me out. He’s already got Viggo Mortensen and Helen Mirren signed up. Would I consider? It would only be three months. I could possibly bring the family but it would be long days for me, a lot of hard emotional work. I have to do it though. I have to. Because he’s been looking and looking and looking for just the right person and he’s sorry. I am so sorry, but you are her.

What should we do? I ask Cam.

He stares at me.

I mean it’s only three months.

He keeps staring at me.

The baby is happy now as I hold her on my hip the others are hitting each other as they wait for Old Faithful.

Do you think we can do it? I ask. Can we make it work?

Cam nods then. He says, I think we can. I think it’s probably the right thing to do.

And you guys, it is the right thing to do. You just have to make it work, is what I say.

And that’s all for today.