Bum

So I’m asking Ann Dee to post for me today because I still can’t get on my computer. And I expect it won’t be long before this little computer has had it, too. Until then, I am writing!
Yesterday as I was thinking, I realized something about myself.
It’s something I’ve known for awhile, so I guess I rerealized.
My best friends know this about me.
But I have to back up to explain it well.
On a Saturday a couple of weeks back, several nationally published writers in the area went to a writer’s retreat where we talked and laughed and cut up like a bunch of 12-yr-olds.
The incident that I want to talk about happened before the retreat.
I was in the car with Ann Dee Ellis and we were talking. And it was like Eeyore was driving. (Me.)
Bum bum bum bum bum.
Poo poo poo poo poo.
Wah wah wah wah wah.
I didn’t know this.
I didn’t know I sounded like Eeyore until Ally Condie got in the car.
The whole space brightened and I had to shield my eyes from how kind and happy Ally was.
Truly, and this isn’t an exaggeration. It was the difference between light and dark.
And I was the ugly stepsister in the group. The one with the too-big feet (true), with a huge frown (true) because the prince was more interested in the two gals in the car with me than me (true).
This happened in school.
When the boy asked me out and I was sure he wanted to be with my super-cute roommate and so I made us both miserable by talking about her instead of shutting the hell up and just dancing.
I can dance.
Anyway, my crappy attitude is a part of me.
But do I have to stay this way?
Here’s what the internet dictionary of I-popped-up-first says about attitude:
at·ti·tude
ˈadəˌt(y)o͞od/
noun
a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior.
Someone said–in not exactly these words, but its what was meant–“As a writer, you can expect nothing more than what has happened to you in the past. You are never going to change unless you change your name or get a new, hungry agent.”
We were talking sales and notoriety and advances.
Could this be?
Am I stuck where I am, forever?
It was a hard thing to hear.
No matter what book I write,
no matter if I get all starred reviews,
no matter if my editor thinks this book will be my best seller,
I am here.
Not surviving.
I decided yesterday I am going to try and change this.
My attitude may not make more books sales, may not pay the bills, may not get my books the recognition I want them to have, but I CAN BE HAPPIER.
I can.
I will.
It’s gonna be tough.
It will take time.
But why not think I can do whatever I set in my sites. I changed a garbage disposal, after all!
So here’s this:
And this:
And this (from a Goodreads collection of quotes):
“If you can quit, quit. If you can’t quit, stop complaining – this is what you chose.”
― JA Konrath
A therapist said once that I have probably been sad since I was a tiny girl.
He didn’t say I had to stay sad the rest of my life.
Hmmm. Maybe that is a book idea.
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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Bum

  1. Cheryl Christensen

    Beautiful! Thank you – as always – for sharing this with us. And YES, you can dance and bust a move!!!

  2. This was a very honest post. I’ve read it three times.

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